The Trapdoor Spider

It’s April Fools Day, and yes I pulled a prank of sorts. What kind of sorts you ask? Well having just moved into a new place and having two great landlords I decided to add a little something into our rent check today.

Complete with an appendix and covering 10 pages it was a request for a trapdoor to be placed within our back bedroom. Read the whole thing below and Happy April Fools Day.

Formal Request Construction Improvements for 

Table of Contents

Formal Request: II

Appendix A – Schematic & Drawings III

Appendix B – Research & Financing VI

Appendix C – Forms & Requests IX

Appendix D – Discovery & Pictures X

Formal Request: 

To the Landlords of 4922 W. Mountain View Dr, et al.

It has become evident over the past several months that due to the large amount of rain, that access to the “cellar” has become more troublesome. The wet winter inhibits our ability to wash and more importantly dry clothes, as in transport between the lower and upper portions of the property they “the dry cloths” become wet again.

It is with this in mind that we are making a formal request (see Appendix C Forms & Requests) for a trap door of sorts be installed in the back bedroom, or as we call it the computer room. With a simple amount of framing and a folding ladder, access between the lower and upper portions of the unit will be made easy on those oh-so-wet rainy days.

Attached is a simple mock up of the type of trap door we are requesting (see Appendix A). Note we believe that the 36” x 36” [914mm x 914mm]  size would be the most acceptable size based on our needs.

We understand that there will be some inconvenience during construction and are prepared. Currently we are stocked with 3 weeks of water, 2 months of food, and enough clean clothes and shotgun shells to fend off a sizable zombie army. So please feel free to schedule work crews, around the clock in order to complete work in a timely manner.

We also understand that this “upgrade” to the property will not be cheap. We also have that covered. Unbeknownst to you we have for some weeks been recording rainbow sightings that seem attracted to the backyard. It is our plan that prior to construction we will have figured out a way to capture at least one leprechaun and his pot of gold. To date with have 2 gnomes, one troll, 3 not so pleasant caterpillars and one very cheeky cat. So not to worry our good fortune will be yours.

Please see Appendix B for the research we have done on the subject of catching leprechauns. Feel free to add any additional information of your own, as we are not experts by any means in the subject of catching and forcing small creatures to give up their pots of gold.

Again we thank you for the rental of the property, and we only have YOUR best interests  at heart here in the improvements. We look forward to your input, and we very much look forward to our new trap door.

Appendix A – Schematic & Drawings

Figure 1A – Side view of hatch components

STANDARD SIZES (custom sizes available)

FRAME OPENING Width x Hinge Side

24” x 24” [610mm x 610mm]

30” x 48” [762mm x 1219mm]

24” x 36” [610mm x 914mm]

36” x 36” [914mm x 914mm]

30” x 30” [762mm x 762mm]

48” x 48” [1219mm x 1219mm]**

30” x 36” [762mm x 914mm]

 **above door has two covers

OPTIONS

Frame skirts for easy casting into a concrete top slab

Custom lettering

Fall Trough Prevention Systems

Slip resistant surface bonded to cover plate

Figure 1B – Overhead view of hatch construction

STANDARD SPECIFICATIONS

The angle frame floor access door shall be Model ALH as manufactured by U.S.F. Fabrication, Inc. with the size being specified on the plans.

Cover: Cover(s) made from 1/2-inch (12.9mm) ASTM A36 steel diamond plate reinforced with ASTM A572 or A588 structural steel. Hatch sizes with reinforcing rib spans up to 24 inches shall be designed to carry a maximum load of 280 psi uniformly distributed over the entire cover. For hatch sizes with rib spans over 24 inches, the load capacity decreases linearly by 25 psi per foot. Equipped with steel flush lifting handle and 316 stainless steel hold-open arms which automatically keep the cover in its open/upright position.

Lift Assist: Open stainless steel springs for easy lifting.

Frame: 3/8-inch steel angle with steel anchors welded to frame for casting into concrete.

Hardware: Heavy duty,tamper resistant hinges with recessed stainless steel pins and lugs.

Security: In the closed position the corners of the cover shall be bolted to the frame.

Finish: Cover, frame and skirt have hot dipped galvanized finish.

Installation: Installation shall be in accordance with the manufacturer’s instructions. The entire frame, including the seat on which the reinforcing rests, shall be supported by concrete or other material designed to support the specified loading.

Warranty: Manufacturer shall guarantee against defects in materials and workmanship for a period of five years.

Appendix B – Research & Financing

Table 1 A – Rainbow Observations: site specific data to location and including seasonal variation(s)

Location of Date Time Obserd Time Comments
outside front door Feb 2nd 8:22 am 00.23.45
back corner back yrd. Feb 4th 14:47 pm 00.02.12
brick area patio Feb 29th 16:20 pm 00.33.34 note leap yr. might be needed for.
spanning over back garage Mar 5th 12:43 pm 00.05.26 unable to reach roof top to gain access  to end of.
outside bedroom window Mar 12th 10:56 pm 00.12.12 maybe 12 is the key to finding end with gold.
small garden in SW portion or prop. Mar 22nd 11:35 pm 00.04.23 was only able to reach one end before disappearance of.
All times are formatted as HH.MM.SS
Obserd Time denoted the length of sighting in this case length of rainbow appearance.
A rainbow is assumed to be fully formed when both arcs are seen, and full coloration is seen between arcs i.e. each color on the spectrum is fully colored. 

Leprechaun tricks and tactics (Note you have been warned).

If you get lucky  and manage to catch a leprechaun you need to be smarter than him or else you will be easily tricked which can have damaging results, never take your eye off him or he will vanish.

A captured leprechaun will grant you three wishes or a gold coin to bribe his way to freedom but this is when things can go terrible wrong if the wrong decisions are made.

Many of an Irish man who thought he could out smart an Irish leprechaun had selected the three wishes and would either go insane trying to think of what to wish for or their wishes would back fire with something bad happening.

One common story was of Seamus in County Mayo who wished to be the richest man on a tropical Ireland but when his wish came true he suddenly realized that there were no shops or pubs on the island to spend his money or even people to talk with. Unfortunately Seamus became bored after a few hours on the Island and had to waste his third wish to return to Ireland. This could be how the phrase “luck of the Irish” originated from.

One of the biggest tips an Irish person can give anyone is to never listen to what the Irish leprechaun says, no matter what. The leprechauns are great mind players and will say anything into confusing you into making the wrong wishes, although he is smart he can be fooled.

Irish leprechauns are devious little creatures and will do anything to escape from man so they should never be trusted. Some say angry leprechauns are more common than a friendly one but this is very untrue as Irish leprechauns are very friendly but tend to dislike humans who always seem to chase them for wishes and pots of gold.

If you ever spot a leprechaun you may be better off to pass him by without taking notice, you can end up in more trouble than its worth if decide to chase them as the people of Ireland only know to well. Unfortunately with cities in Ireland expanding the poor wee leprechauns are being driven further underground away from man, taking their rainbows with them.

(source: http://www.yourirish.com/how-to-catch-a-leprechaun)

Appendix C – Forms & Requests

 Formal Request Form

Internal communication tool to streamline requests requiring a formal response from the renter to landlords. When complete, email all parties including a copy to the secretary of the Housing and Urban Development USA.

Name:  Kedward Family Date:  April 1st 2012
Title:  Trap Door Request Topic of Request  Access between levels
 Urgency Rating:
1 – Immediate response requested
2 – Response by end of business day
3 – Response by end of three business day period
4 – Response by end of five business day period

Issue:

Please explain your request in full detail.

?One access hatch (known as a trap door) between floors at the residence of

Identify all parties involved and how they are affected.

?Mr and Mrs Simon Kedward

Landoverlords of

 This section to be completed by the Landoverlords. Response will be emailed to the submitter.

Response:

Date of response:

Appendix D – Discovery & Pictures

Noun

1. trap door – a hinged or sliding door in a floor or ceiling

trap·door  (trpdôr, -dr)

n.

A hinged or sliding door in a floor, roof, or ceiling.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition copyright ©2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Updated in 2009. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

According to Wikipedia a Trapdoor is defined as follows.

A trapdoor is a door set into a floor or ceiling (depending on what side of the door one is on).

Originally, trapdoors were sack traps in mills, and allowed the sacks to pass up through the mill while naturally falling back to a closed position.[1]

An exposed trapdoor is often called a hatch, although hatches may be horizontal. Many buildings with flat roofs have hatches that provide access to the roof; on ships, hatches—never called trapdoors—provide access to the deck. Cargo ships, including bulk carriers, have large hatches for access to the holds. A small door in a wall, floor or ceiling used to gain access to equipment is called an access hatch. Hidden trapdoors occasionally appear in fiction, either as entrances to secret passageways, or as literal traps into which a helpless pedestrian may fall if he or she happens to stand on one.

Most 19th- and 20th Century gallows featured a trapdoor, usually with two flaps. The victim was placed at the join. The edge of a trapdoor farthest from the hinge accelerates faster than gravity, so that the victim does not hit the flaps but falls freely.

Figure 2A – Deck hatch of the Omega, the last square-rigged sailing cargo ship

The term trapdoor also refers to a plate in the vestibule of a railcar that permits access to high-level platforms when lying flat against the floor of the car and can be flipped open to expose steps for accessing ground-level platforms. Many American commuter railroads who operate the Comet railcars made by Bombardier have trap doors to accommodate loading and unloading of passengers on both high-level and ground-level platforms. Amtrak‘s Viewliner, Amfleet, and Horizon railcar fleets all have trapdoors.

Trapdoor spiders dig out an underground nest they line with their silk, and then top it with a hinged lid, the trapdoor.

Figure 2B – Trapdoor in place between floor levels

Figure 2C – Hatch in wooden floor

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Written by:

Simon is the creator of Osomotley. A student of life, surfer, audio producer, & storyteller. Currently living in San Diego with his wife of 9 yrs, and one very old dog that he calls his best friend on fours.

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